Words from the heart...

So most people are familiar with the infamous scene in Tyler Perry's movie "Why did I get Married" when the guys are all discussing a man's desire to cheat on the woman that is his 80% with the woman that is his 20%. Well, you can imagine my shock and awe just last week when a friend of mine revealed to me and another friend that she felt like she had always been someone's 20% and had never experienced being someone's 80%. This made me really upset. How could she think that? Who had made her feel that way? And why did someone make her feel that way? Imagine going through 26 years of life never feeling like you had ever been your object of affection's top priority. Then I began reflecting on my own past relationships and the role that the men from my past had played in my life and continue to play in my life today. And what's interesting is that I discovered a pattern... They all pop in and out of my life at their leisure and convenience. They call when they want to at whatever time they so please, they all drop by whenever they want to, spend quality time with me whenever they want to, and they also conveniently cut off communication whenever they want to...I got to thinking I don't know what's worse, to feel special temporarily and then have it taken away from you just out of the blue with no warning or to never feel special at all. And I came to the conclusion that they are one in the same. How special can I be if you pop in and out of my life? If I were or am special to you then I would have a consistent and/or steady relationship with you, which is something that I have never experienced with anybody. One thing is for sure, all the men in my life follow the same pattern of inconsistency so I am well aware that there is something about me that causes this to occur, I just can't figure out what it is. But it's getting old. I'm so tired of never being able to take anybody seriously and always having it in the back of my mind that the situation is temporary so that I can protect my heart from being broken all over again. For once, I would like to feel free to embrace the feelings that I have for someone and just go with the flow. But instead I'm weighed down by the inconsistencies of men that view me as someone that they just blow off cause they think i'll always be around just waiting and never moving on. And it's not that I'm letting what they think define what I feel about my own worth...but the reality is that I am always there and I don't ever have anyone special...i'm always available and ready to entertain the bullshit until they find what they are really looking for with someone else....until they find their special someone...but I have to wonder, while I'm being used as the intermittent person until they find what they are looking for, when will I find what I'm looking for or better yet find someone that is looking for me? Isn't that what every girl wants...to feel like there is at least one person that God has put on this Earth especially for them...at least one person that feels that you are the woman of their dreams...the woman that they look at and think "What more could a man want?" I mean with all the people in this world, there has to be somebody that will one day feel that way about me...Right?

But it's over now...

Ok so maybe I'm crazy but seriously Mr R & B killa...lol...did you really think it was ok to inquire about my whereabouts at 1 a.m. when we've been broken up for over a year and I haven't even talked to you in 6 mos. Not to mention the fact that, I was completely miserable when I was in a relationship with you for 2 grueling years. Get it together! It's time to move on...I can't believe you have the audacity to continue to text message and/or call me after all that you have done to me. You need to move on, because I finally have. And by the way...sitting in front peoples homes in the wee hours of the morning is kind of crazy...actions speak louder than words...please start acting like your life is so much better without me by leaving me the fuck alone!!! You are lame as fuck, you do not embrace a realistic frame of mind, and i'm starting to think you're extremely funny looking...So please do us both a favor and just stop...IT'S REALLY OVER THIS TIME!!!

the special place in my heart belongs to him...

Do you ever really get over your first love? I just can't seem to shake mine. I remember the first time I ever laid eyes on him. I was a freshman in high-school and he was at our homecoming football game with his girlfriend who was in the homecoming court that year. As I starred at him from across the stadium I thought to myself, this is the cutest guy in the world. I had never seen anything like him. I quickly moved on from the 5 minute crush I had developed and determined that he was way out of my league. Nearly a year later a friend of mine was dating his friend. His friend called me one day to tell me that he was interested in me and I thought he was joking so I hung up in his face. I came to find out that it wasn't a joke, he really was interested. It was too difficult for me to process that this guy that was way out of my league even noticed that I existed, and I had already begun to date someone else. Afraid to explore my feelings for my crush, I pressed forward with the relationship I was already in. As fate would have it and to my surprise, he came around again and of course my feelings had not changed. I tried to ignore them and stay with my boyfriend, but I felt like I was meant to be with this guy. I was totally and completely in love with him. He was absolutely the man of my dreams. Now today, the feelings aren't as intense as they were nearly 10 years ago...but the sight of him still stops me in my tracks and I still get butterflies in my stomach whenever I'm around him. I feel drawn to him like a magnetic force. I feel connected to him in a way that I never have with anyone else. When I see him it feels like we pick up exactly where we left off all those years ago. But when he's gone...he's really gone...out of my life totally and completely. I want to believe that my feelings for him are just in the moment and that they walk right out the door along with him, but if that's the case...why is he still on my mind?

I put on for my city...

Since it's debut in New Orleans 14 years ago, (it was the summer before my 8th grade year) I have been a true Essence Festival fan through and through. I have never missed one year of the Essence Festival. Even post Katrina when it was held in Houston, I traveled to Houston to attend. Essence always brings on a host of excitement as it relates to obtaining tickets, experiencing phenomenal live performances by your favorite music artists, deciding on after parties, determining the perfect attire, and anticipating seeing old faces and being presented with some new faces. The Essence Festival promises to be July's most refreshing experience in New Orleans as it comes just in time to break the monotony of the summer routine. In more recent years, the Essence Festival has become a reunion of loved ones. Friends and family come from near and far to attend the festivities for the 4th of July weekend. It has become a tradition. And although, each year, I dread the late nights, the traffic brought on by tourists, and the take over of the entourage...lol...I love being around all the people that I care about so dearly. That is the part of Essence Festival that I enjoy most! While it's nice to meet new faces...it's seeing the familiar ones that draw me to the concert each year. And when the weekend comes to a close, it's bittersweet. I'm happy to go back to my normal routine and get some rest, but I am sad to see everybody go. There is nothing better than being in good company. Now I have to detox off of all this love!