Invisible

I'm so invisible! No one sees me unless they need me. When no one else is around, when others have turned on them, when their life isn't going right...they always turn to me...i'm always there. But when I need someone, when I need help...I'm invisible. No one sees me, no one hears my phone calls, no one takes the time to even really listen to what I have to say. Always available to others, but who's available to me? Everyone's person when they need someone, but who is my person. They always have me, but who do I always have? I just wish somebody could see me...I get tired of being so invisible.

Mr. Wright

Do you ever look back on all the random, meaningless, worthless relationships that you have been in and just wonder why in hindsight? I mean, at the time it felt right, and it seemed like he was the right person for you...but when you look back at it you wonder what you ever even saw in this person. Well that's the case for me as it relates to approximately 90% of the relationships I've gotten myself involved in. Hesitant to make those same mistakes again....even the thought of having a boyfriend makes me a bit queezy. And it's so weird because up until about 2 months ago I thought I was still in love with my last boyfriend and just like a bad dream I just woke up one morning and it was over. The thing that is beginning to concern me is that I am becoming very comfortable with being alone. I always liked to do things by myself like go out to eat and even go to the movies...but now I don't even have the desire for a companion. It just seems like a hassle or something that will stand in the way of my happiness...I definitely do not see it as an additive. And that's a very negative outlook to have on the idea of a companion and it' s also very discouraging when one of your dreams is to get married and have a family.

In all God's eforts to show me what I want in a man I continue to find things that I don't want. But I believe that's the best way to figure out what you do want. I used to be open to alot of things but now...not so much. I actually have developed a list ofthings that I can not deal with because God has allowed me to experience relationships with people that exude these qualities and it just doesn't work. So now, certain things are just big flashing warning signs that never were before. So I guess the next relationship will bring me closer to finding Mr. Wright!

Burlesque for my 26th

So this year for my birthday I just wanted to have fun. So I hired a burlesque strip tease instructor to come over to my mother's home and teach a striptease class for me and about 20 of my friends. Some of us dressed for the occasion and others didn't, but almost everyone participated. I had a good time and it wasn't that the class was such great fun...but I enjoyed fellowshiping with all my girls. Some of my greatest memories consist of laughter and quality time with loved ones...not going to big parties and hanging out at clubs. The theme was girls night out so no men were allowed. We really had the chance to kick back and enjoy ourselves and just be carefree. Nobody was worried about the way that they looked, unless of course we were taking pictures. And when we performed the routine, everybody just did their best and put their own spin on things. There was no pressure to be the best, it was just about having fun! It was really a night to remember!!!

Sista...you've been on my mind

I remember when she used to wake me up in the middle of the night to walk with her to the bathroom because she was scared...this was our nightly ritual until she got older ...then when she was about 9 years she fell in love with music and looked forward to listening to the hot 8 at 8 on Q93...one day she looked up at me with those big beautiful eyes and said "Dee what time does the hot 8 at 8 come on?" I fell out laughing and told her to repeat the question to herself and she would find the answer. (it was called the hot 8 at 8 because it came on at 8) That was the easiest question she ever asked me. And I will never forget that moment because I could actually give her a definite answer and that felt good. It was never ever that simple again. As she got older she got into fashion and boys and she had to deal with the jealousy and envy of females, she had to make a decision about where she would attend college, what she should do after college, etc...And as the years progressed forward, the questions got harder and I didn't always have the answer or an answer at all for that matter. But I almost always had an experience of mine to share with her to help guide her towards making the right decision for herself. Having a younger sister made me concious of the decisions that I made in life. I always wanted to be the type of person that my sister could be proud of and look up to. I never realized that all the while and in all my efforts, the one in total admiration was me! She grew up to be the kind of person that I can look up to and for that I am very proud!

Insecurities...

Yes we all have them. Some of us have more than others but these are mine: I have dark circles under my eyes, I suffer with acne, my lips have a natural dark bown lining, I have a pouch, my hair swells in the heat and humidity, my feet are really fat,I have a large forehead, and my voice is high-pitched. Over the years, the stresses and disapointments of life have caused my insecurities to highten. And when they're hightened I try to change my appearance to overcomompensate for the things I'm insecure about. I dye my hair a wide range of colors from blonde to black with red in between. I cut my hair. I wear extensions in my hair. I shop constantly. I cut my bangs to cover my forehead. I switch up my make-up regimen. I try to lose weight. But I've come to realize that trying to change the things that I'm inscure about is trying to change the things that make me exactly who I am. And I feel most comfortable and most secure when I don't try to compensate for these inecurities, but rather accept them. My weight fluctuates alot and when I'm thicker I do have a pouch. But I like my curves when I put on a little weight. Yes my lips have a natural dark brown line, but sometimes people ask me what color lip liner I'm wearing because they want to go to buy it...and it's not a liner, it's just my natural lip line. Yes my hair swells, but big hair is in. Yes I have acne, but I love to wear make-up. Yes I have a large forehead, but I love to wear bangs anyway! The point is, embrace your imperfections, don't try to change them. They are a part of you, they make you who you are! So whenever you get down about your insecurities and impefections, blow a kiss at yourself in the mirror and say "Everything I'm not makes me everything I am."

Another Birthday

My birthday is fast approaching and I can't believe that I am turning 26. It feels like just yesterday I was preparing for the sweet 16 party themed "Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice." But that was nearly a decade ago. It's scary how quickly time flies. But as I look over my life and reflect on past experiences, I still feel like the same person I was when I was 16. I still worry about the same types of situations, I still have almost all the same friends, I still carry the weight of the same insecurities, I still have trouble expressing how I feel, I still associate with almost all the same guys who have grown up to be all the same men, my favorite color is still fushia, my favorite thing to eat is still fried catfish and jambalaya, I still lose weight when I get stressed out, I still experience anxiety in my stomach, I still have blackouts and daydream so hard that I can't hear anything that's going on around me, I still live in the same house and sleep in the same room....But how can I still be the same person? Haven't I learned from life's experiences? Am I not growing and changing. I've done alot in the past 10 years, so why do I still feel stuck in the same spot? I'm still waiting for that experience that bridges the gap between childhood and adulthood. It feels like the years are flying by and the world around me is moving so quickly. I really just want to move at the same rapid pace. But I understand that patience is a virtue. So I'm patienlty waiting for my life to come together. But it seems like as I continue to make steps in the right direction, the goal of success slips farther away. The goal constanly changes and evolves and the closer I get to it, the more I revise it and add more steps to take to get to it. And as a result, another year has gone by and I still can't believe I'm not 16 anymore.

Words from the heart...

So most people are familiar with the infamous scene in Tyler Perry's movie "Why did I get Married" when the guys are all discussing a man's desire to cheat on the woman that is his 80% with the woman that is his 20%. Well, you can imagine my shock and awe just last week when a friend of mine revealed to me and another friend that she felt like she had always been someone's 20% and had never experienced being someone's 80%. This made me really upset. How could she think that? Who had made her feel that way? And why did someone make her feel that way? Imagine going through 26 years of life never feeling like you had ever been your object of affection's top priority. Then I began reflecting on my own past relationships and the role that the men from my past had played in my life and continue to play in my life today. And what's interesting is that I discovered a pattern... They all pop in and out of my life at their leisure and convenience. They call when they want to at whatever time they so please, they all drop by whenever they want to, spend quality time with me whenever they want to, and they also conveniently cut off communication whenever they want to...I got to thinking I don't know what's worse, to feel special temporarily and then have it taken away from you just out of the blue with no warning or to never feel special at all. And I came to the conclusion that they are one in the same. How special can I be if you pop in and out of my life? If I were or am special to you then I would have a consistent and/or steady relationship with you, which is something that I have never experienced with anybody. One thing is for sure, all the men in my life follow the same pattern of inconsistency so I am well aware that there is something about me that causes this to occur, I just can't figure out what it is. But it's getting old. I'm so tired of never being able to take anybody seriously and always having it in the back of my mind that the situation is temporary so that I can protect my heart from being broken all over again. For once, I would like to feel free to embrace the feelings that I have for someone and just go with the flow. But instead I'm weighed down by the inconsistencies of men that view me as someone that they just blow off cause they think i'll always be around just waiting and never moving on. And it's not that I'm letting what they think define what I feel about my own worth...but the reality is that I am always there and I don't ever have anyone special...i'm always available and ready to entertain the bullshit until they find what they are really looking for with someone else....until they find their special someone...but I have to wonder, while I'm being used as the intermittent person until they find what they are looking for, when will I find what I'm looking for or better yet find someone that is looking for me? Isn't that what every girl wants...to feel like there is at least one person that God has put on this Earth especially for them...at least one person that feels that you are the woman of their dreams...the woman that they look at and think "What more could a man want?" I mean with all the people in this world, there has to be somebody that will one day feel that way about me...Right?

But it's over now...

Ok so maybe I'm crazy but seriously Mr R & B killa...lol...did you really think it was ok to inquire about my whereabouts at 1 a.m. when we've been broken up for over a year and I haven't even talked to you in 6 mos. Not to mention the fact that, I was completely miserable when I was in a relationship with you for 2 grueling years. Get it together! It's time to move on...I can't believe you have the audacity to continue to text message and/or call me after all that you have done to me. You need to move on, because I finally have. And by the way...sitting in front peoples homes in the wee hours of the morning is kind of crazy...actions speak louder than words...please start acting like your life is so much better without me by leaving me the fuck alone!!! You are lame as fuck, you do not embrace a realistic frame of mind, and i'm starting to think you're extremely funny looking...So please do us both a favor and just stop...IT'S REALLY OVER THIS TIME!!!

the special place in my heart belongs to him...

Do you ever really get over your first love? I just can't seem to shake mine. I remember the first time I ever laid eyes on him. I was a freshman in high-school and he was at our homecoming football game with his girlfriend who was in the homecoming court that year. As I starred at him from across the stadium I thought to myself, this is the cutest guy in the world. I had never seen anything like him. I quickly moved on from the 5 minute crush I had developed and determined that he was way out of my league. Nearly a year later a friend of mine was dating his friend. His friend called me one day to tell me that he was interested in me and I thought he was joking so I hung up in his face. I came to find out that it wasn't a joke, he really was interested. It was too difficult for me to process that this guy that was way out of my league even noticed that I existed, and I had already begun to date someone else. Afraid to explore my feelings for my crush, I pressed forward with the relationship I was already in. As fate would have it and to my surprise, he came around again and of course my feelings had not changed. I tried to ignore them and stay with my boyfriend, but I felt like I was meant to be with this guy. I was totally and completely in love with him. He was absolutely the man of my dreams. Now today, the feelings aren't as intense as they were nearly 10 years ago...but the sight of him still stops me in my tracks and I still get butterflies in my stomach whenever I'm around him. I feel drawn to him like a magnetic force. I feel connected to him in a way that I never have with anyone else. When I see him it feels like we pick up exactly where we left off all those years ago. But when he's gone...he's really gone...out of my life totally and completely. I want to believe that my feelings for him are just in the moment and that they walk right out the door along with him, but if that's the case...why is he still on my mind?

I put on for my city...

Since it's debut in New Orleans 14 years ago, (it was the summer before my 8th grade year) I have been a true Essence Festival fan through and through. I have never missed one year of the Essence Festival. Even post Katrina when it was held in Houston, I traveled to Houston to attend. Essence always brings on a host of excitement as it relates to obtaining tickets, experiencing phenomenal live performances by your favorite music artists, deciding on after parties, determining the perfect attire, and anticipating seeing old faces and being presented with some new faces. The Essence Festival promises to be July's most refreshing experience in New Orleans as it comes just in time to break the monotony of the summer routine. In more recent years, the Essence Festival has become a reunion of loved ones. Friends and family come from near and far to attend the festivities for the 4th of July weekend. It has become a tradition. And although, each year, I dread the late nights, the traffic brought on by tourists, and the take over of the entourage...lol...I love being around all the people that I care about so dearly. That is the part of Essence Festival that I enjoy most! While it's nice to meet new faces...it's seeing the familiar ones that draw me to the concert each year. And when the weekend comes to a close, it's bittersweet. I'm happy to go back to my normal routine and get some rest, but I am sad to see everybody go. There is nothing better than being in good company. Now I have to detox off of all this love!

What about your friends...

So what is a friend, really? A friend, unlike family, is an individual you select to be a special part of your life. Now this friend could be selected for a reason, season, or a lifetime...but it's a choice that you make. The dynamics of friendship vary from person to person. There is no set definition and no one person will embrace all the tenants of your specific definition. You have different friends that you can go to for different things. It is very common to have a wide range of friends that serve multiple purposes in your life. You may have a friend you can call when you're feeling down and out, another friend that you can call to go out and have a good time with, a different friend that you go to for advice, and yet another friend that always saves you when you're in a bind...and some of us luck up and have all that wrapped into just one or two friends.

Because we choose our friends, just as easy as we make the choice to initiate a friendship with a person, you can make the choice to terminate a friendship. But I often wonder, are you living up to the definition of a true friend when you clean house and decide to terminate a friendship?

When you become "true" friends with a person, you and that person grow to know and understand each other through and through. So your expectations of this person as your friend should not be unreasonable. You should expect them to be exactly who they are. Being a friend is not about being perfect or expecting perfection, it's about acceptance. Accepting your friends for exactly who they are can be a long and difficult process but this process must take place when you are establishing a true friendship. Some friends get it right overnight and are instant friends just like that and some friends take years to truly understand each other. A big part of friendship is understanding that people are human and its only natural that we make mistakes.

We judge our friends, we disapoint our friends, we feel insecure about ourselves and take it out on our friends, we can be selfish and forget to be there for our friends when they need us the most, we can be territorial with our friends, we can be immature and not be able to see past how situations affect us and overlook how they affect other people involved. But a real friend understands that your overall intentions are good and knows where your heart is. A real friend understands who you are and does not misinterpret your being human and making a mistake for a malicious act. A a real friend values the friendship enough to put their ego aside and open the lines of communication for discussion about any situation, a real friend can acknowledge a mistake that they have made, and a real friend can forgive. A real friend can take some people a lifetime to find, so hold on to yours!

Still missing him...

I think about him almost every morning when I wake up. I think about him at night when I'm lying awake in bed and can't fall asleep. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and just think about him. And even in the middle of the day, for no reason at all, I think of him. I miss him everyday. And it doesn't hurt anymore to think of him or to miss him, but what still hurts is to know that he's not thinking of me. It causes my chest to tighten and I feel this emptinesss in my stomach. And it hurts because I miss him everyday and don't know why. It hurts because I miss him for no logical reason at all...I just do and its agonizing because I thought I'd be happier without him...So I can't give advice on how not to miss him, because I still miss him...I still miss him all the time!

Happiness...

It's been said that true happiness is achieved by the small percentage of people that have reached self-actualization, a term used to describe the realization of one's full potential and the desire for self-fulfillment. Persons that have been able to achieve this self-actualization are placed at the very top of Maslow's hierarchy of needs. A very small percentage of people have been able to reach self-actualization, one of them being Mahatma Gandhi. So do I have to be Gandhi to find happiness?

When I reflect on what has made me happy over the years, it's consistently been associated with some circumstance, some thing, some person, some situation, some experience...it has always been connected to some external stimulus. Once that external stimulus is no longer present,I can not say that I continue to be happy. And in between the period of one external stimulus to another I am brainstorming what it will take to make me happy all over agin. I make these lists and call them goals, and as I scratch off these achievements from my list of accomplishments I realize that I am never satisfied. As soon as I scratch one off, I'm adding another to the list. If I could just go to graduate school...if I could just complete my masters degree...if I could just get a job...and then what? True happiness comes from within. It's not about getting a good job, obtaining a degree, finding a man, or whatever else one thinks will make them happy. I understand that, but what I can not grasp is the path you take in life where experiences, things, situations, and circumstances do not define or affect your happiness.

As superficial as it sounds, most of us are guilty of defining happiness this way. This is why we experience sadness, disapointment, depression, and despair. Sure we develop coping mechanisms to make it through the tough times like the loss of a loved one, a failed relationship, losing a job, rejection, an unattainable dream, losing everything in Hurricane Katrina, etc...but the development of coping mechanisms does not yield happiness it just helps you to maintain. The pain of life's disapointments never seems to really go away, rather we replace these disapointments with other experiences. So the whole "you need to get over it " mentality is unrealistic.

True happiness seems almost unattainable unless you are Mahatma Gandhi. So in the meantime I will work towards fulfilling Maslow's lower levels of the hierarchy of needs, particularly the physiological level which includes food...eating just so happens to be one of my favorite past times. You can't reach the top of the pyramid without fulfilling the lower levels, so fulfilling those lower levels is where I will be until I make it to the top. Hope to see you there!

When I grow up...

When I was a little girl I wanted to be just like my cousin April. I thought she was the coolest!!! I modeled my cultivation into womanhood around my lovely cuz April Davis. In 1994, she introduced me to Guess Jeans and wearing my hair styled in a high ponytail with bangs across my forehead. In 1995 she taught me how to tuck my tommy hilfiger shirt into my skin tight jeans and to pull all my hair back into a nice sleek bun. In 1997, she told me to wear my hair down and to wrap it at night to keep it silky. I thought April new all there was to know in life! Then one day I asked her what I should do about a certain situation and she looked at me and said, "I'm not telling you because it's not about what other people think, it's about what you think." And just like that, I was forced to figure out what I liked and what I thought. Pretty tough to do as a freshman in high school, but I've been doing it ever since!

Today, at 25 years old, I'm still trying to figure out what I like and what I think. We grow up resenting parents, authority figures, and family members that firmly guide our decision making skills. But today, what I wouldn't give to have someone tell me what to do next. After high-school I knew I was supposed to go to college. After college, I knew I was supposed to work or go to graduate school. I did both, now what am I supposed to do next? With a bachelors degree from Spelman College, a masters degree from Tulane University, and a few years of professional experience, I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I would love to call up my cousin April and ask her to magically give me the answer just like she used to when we were kids. I wish the answer were as simple as a pair of Guess Jeans.

As I continue to chart my course towards a more purpose driven grown-up life, I reflect on what April told me nearly 11 years ago; "It's not about what other people think, it's about what you think." Am I so concerned with fulfilling others expectations of what I should be that I have lost sight of my very own expectations for myself? Exploring one's own expectations requires deep contemplation, because in the end you want to feel like you made the most out of your life's experiences and you want all your efforts to have mattered. I want so much out of my adult life. I want a meaningful job that I wake up in the morning excited about. I want to make a difference in people's lives. I want to serve my community. I want to be a wife. I want to be a mother. I want to be a devoted family member and friend. I want to be socially connected. I want it all. But right now, I just want a new pair of Guess Jeans!