What about your friends...

So what is a friend, really? A friend, unlike family, is an individual you select to be a special part of your life. Now this friend could be selected for a reason, season, or a lifetime...but it's a choice that you make. The dynamics of friendship vary from person to person. There is no set definition and no one person will embrace all the tenants of your specific definition. You have different friends that you can go to for different things. It is very common to have a wide range of friends that serve multiple purposes in your life. You may have a friend you can call when you're feeling down and out, another friend that you can call to go out and have a good time with, a different friend that you go to for advice, and yet another friend that always saves you when you're in a bind...and some of us luck up and have all that wrapped into just one or two friends.

Because we choose our friends, just as easy as we make the choice to initiate a friendship with a person, you can make the choice to terminate a friendship. But I often wonder, are you living up to the definition of a true friend when you clean house and decide to terminate a friendship?

When you become "true" friends with a person, you and that person grow to know and understand each other through and through. So your expectations of this person as your friend should not be unreasonable. You should expect them to be exactly who they are. Being a friend is not about being perfect or expecting perfection, it's about acceptance. Accepting your friends for exactly who they are can be a long and difficult process but this process must take place when you are establishing a true friendship. Some friends get it right overnight and are instant friends just like that and some friends take years to truly understand each other. A big part of friendship is understanding that people are human and its only natural that we make mistakes.

We judge our friends, we disapoint our friends, we feel insecure about ourselves and take it out on our friends, we can be selfish and forget to be there for our friends when they need us the most, we can be territorial with our friends, we can be immature and not be able to see past how situations affect us and overlook how they affect other people involved. But a real friend understands that your overall intentions are good and knows where your heart is. A real friend understands who you are and does not misinterpret your being human and making a mistake for a malicious act. A a real friend values the friendship enough to put their ego aside and open the lines of communication for discussion about any situation, a real friend can acknowledge a mistake that they have made, and a real friend can forgive. A real friend can take some people a lifetime to find, so hold on to yours!

Still missing him...

I think about him almost every morning when I wake up. I think about him at night when I'm lying awake in bed and can't fall asleep. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and just think about him. And even in the middle of the day, for no reason at all, I think of him. I miss him everyday. And it doesn't hurt anymore to think of him or to miss him, but what still hurts is to know that he's not thinking of me. It causes my chest to tighten and I feel this emptinesss in my stomach. And it hurts because I miss him everyday and don't know why. It hurts because I miss him for no logical reason at all...I just do and its agonizing because I thought I'd be happier without him...So I can't give advice on how not to miss him, because I still miss him...I still miss him all the time!

Happiness...

It's been said that true happiness is achieved by the small percentage of people that have reached self-actualization, a term used to describe the realization of one's full potential and the desire for self-fulfillment. Persons that have been able to achieve this self-actualization are placed at the very top of Maslow's hierarchy of needs. A very small percentage of people have been able to reach self-actualization, one of them being Mahatma Gandhi. So do I have to be Gandhi to find happiness?

When I reflect on what has made me happy over the years, it's consistently been associated with some circumstance, some thing, some person, some situation, some experience...it has always been connected to some external stimulus. Once that external stimulus is no longer present,I can not say that I continue to be happy. And in between the period of one external stimulus to another I am brainstorming what it will take to make me happy all over agin. I make these lists and call them goals, and as I scratch off these achievements from my list of accomplishments I realize that I am never satisfied. As soon as I scratch one off, I'm adding another to the list. If I could just go to graduate school...if I could just complete my masters degree...if I could just get a job...and then what? True happiness comes from within. It's not about getting a good job, obtaining a degree, finding a man, or whatever else one thinks will make them happy. I understand that, but what I can not grasp is the path you take in life where experiences, things, situations, and circumstances do not define or affect your happiness.

As superficial as it sounds, most of us are guilty of defining happiness this way. This is why we experience sadness, disapointment, depression, and despair. Sure we develop coping mechanisms to make it through the tough times like the loss of a loved one, a failed relationship, losing a job, rejection, an unattainable dream, losing everything in Hurricane Katrina, etc...but the development of coping mechanisms does not yield happiness it just helps you to maintain. The pain of life's disapointments never seems to really go away, rather we replace these disapointments with other experiences. So the whole "you need to get over it " mentality is unrealistic.

True happiness seems almost unattainable unless you are Mahatma Gandhi. So in the meantime I will work towards fulfilling Maslow's lower levels of the hierarchy of needs, particularly the physiological level which includes food...eating just so happens to be one of my favorite past times. You can't reach the top of the pyramid without fulfilling the lower levels, so fulfilling those lower levels is where I will be until I make it to the top. Hope to see you there!

When I grow up...

When I was a little girl I wanted to be just like my cousin April. I thought she was the coolest!!! I modeled my cultivation into womanhood around my lovely cuz April Davis. In 1994, she introduced me to Guess Jeans and wearing my hair styled in a high ponytail with bangs across my forehead. In 1995 she taught me how to tuck my tommy hilfiger shirt into my skin tight jeans and to pull all my hair back into a nice sleek bun. In 1997, she told me to wear my hair down and to wrap it at night to keep it silky. I thought April new all there was to know in life! Then one day I asked her what I should do about a certain situation and she looked at me and said, "I'm not telling you because it's not about what other people think, it's about what you think." And just like that, I was forced to figure out what I liked and what I thought. Pretty tough to do as a freshman in high school, but I've been doing it ever since!

Today, at 25 years old, I'm still trying to figure out what I like and what I think. We grow up resenting parents, authority figures, and family members that firmly guide our decision making skills. But today, what I wouldn't give to have someone tell me what to do next. After high-school I knew I was supposed to go to college. After college, I knew I was supposed to work or go to graduate school. I did both, now what am I supposed to do next? With a bachelors degree from Spelman College, a masters degree from Tulane University, and a few years of professional experience, I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I would love to call up my cousin April and ask her to magically give me the answer just like she used to when we were kids. I wish the answer were as simple as a pair of Guess Jeans.

As I continue to chart my course towards a more purpose driven grown-up life, I reflect on what April told me nearly 11 years ago; "It's not about what other people think, it's about what you think." Am I so concerned with fulfilling others expectations of what I should be that I have lost sight of my very own expectations for myself? Exploring one's own expectations requires deep contemplation, because in the end you want to feel like you made the most out of your life's experiences and you want all your efforts to have mattered. I want so much out of my adult life. I want a meaningful job that I wake up in the morning excited about. I want to make a difference in people's lives. I want to serve my community. I want to be a wife. I want to be a mother. I want to be a devoted family member and friend. I want to be socially connected. I want it all. But right now, I just want a new pair of Guess Jeans!