Mr. Wright

Do you ever look back on all the random, meaningless, worthless relationships that you have been in and just wonder why in hindsight? I mean, at the time it felt right, and it seemed like he was the right person for you...but when you look back at it you wonder what you ever even saw in this person. Well that's the case for me as it relates to approximately 90% of the relationships I've gotten myself involved in. Hesitant to make those same mistakes again....even the thought of having a boyfriend makes me a bit queezy. And it's so weird because up until about 2 months ago I thought I was still in love with my last boyfriend and just like a bad dream I just woke up one morning and it was over. The thing that is beginning to concern me is that I am becoming very comfortable with being alone. I always liked to do things by myself like go out to eat and even go to the movies...but now I don't even have the desire for a companion. It just seems like a hassle or something that will stand in the way of my happiness...I definitely do not see it as an additive. And that's a very negative outlook to have on the idea of a companion and it' s also very discouraging when one of your dreams is to get married and have a family.

In all God's eforts to show me what I want in a man I continue to find things that I don't want. But I believe that's the best way to figure out what you do want. I used to be open to alot of things but now...not so much. I actually have developed a list ofthings that I can not deal with because God has allowed me to experience relationships with people that exude these qualities and it just doesn't work. So now, certain things are just big flashing warning signs that never were before. So I guess the next relationship will bring me closer to finding Mr. Wright!

Burlesque for my 26th

So this year for my birthday I just wanted to have fun. So I hired a burlesque strip tease instructor to come over to my mother's home and teach a striptease class for me and about 20 of my friends. Some of us dressed for the occasion and others didn't, but almost everyone participated. I had a good time and it wasn't that the class was such great fun...but I enjoyed fellowshiping with all my girls. Some of my greatest memories consist of laughter and quality time with loved ones...not going to big parties and hanging out at clubs. The theme was girls night out so no men were allowed. We really had the chance to kick back and enjoy ourselves and just be carefree. Nobody was worried about the way that they looked, unless of course we were taking pictures. And when we performed the routine, everybody just did their best and put their own spin on things. There was no pressure to be the best, it was just about having fun! It was really a night to remember!!!

Sista...you've been on my mind

I remember when she used to wake me up in the middle of the night to walk with her to the bathroom because she was scared...this was our nightly ritual until she got older ...then when she was about 9 years she fell in love with music and looked forward to listening to the hot 8 at 8 on Q93...one day she looked up at me with those big beautiful eyes and said "Dee what time does the hot 8 at 8 come on?" I fell out laughing and told her to repeat the question to herself and she would find the answer. (it was called the hot 8 at 8 because it came on at 8) That was the easiest question she ever asked me. And I will never forget that moment because I could actually give her a definite answer and that felt good. It was never ever that simple again. As she got older she got into fashion and boys and she had to deal with the jealousy and envy of females, she had to make a decision about where she would attend college, what she should do after college, etc...And as the years progressed forward, the questions got harder and I didn't always have the answer or an answer at all for that matter. But I almost always had an experience of mine to share with her to help guide her towards making the right decision for herself. Having a younger sister made me concious of the decisions that I made in life. I always wanted to be the type of person that my sister could be proud of and look up to. I never realized that all the while and in all my efforts, the one in total admiration was me! She grew up to be the kind of person that I can look up to and for that I am very proud!

Insecurities...

Yes we all have them. Some of us have more than others but these are mine: I have dark circles under my eyes, I suffer with acne, my lips have a natural dark bown lining, I have a pouch, my hair swells in the heat and humidity, my feet are really fat,I have a large forehead, and my voice is high-pitched. Over the years, the stresses and disapointments of life have caused my insecurities to highten. And when they're hightened I try to change my appearance to overcomompensate for the things I'm insecure about. I dye my hair a wide range of colors from blonde to black with red in between. I cut my hair. I wear extensions in my hair. I shop constantly. I cut my bangs to cover my forehead. I switch up my make-up regimen. I try to lose weight. But I've come to realize that trying to change the things that I'm inscure about is trying to change the things that make me exactly who I am. And I feel most comfortable and most secure when I don't try to compensate for these inecurities, but rather accept them. My weight fluctuates alot and when I'm thicker I do have a pouch. But I like my curves when I put on a little weight. Yes my lips have a natural dark brown line, but sometimes people ask me what color lip liner I'm wearing because they want to go to buy it...and it's not a liner, it's just my natural lip line. Yes my hair swells, but big hair is in. Yes I have acne, but I love to wear make-up. Yes I have a large forehead, but I love to wear bangs anyway! The point is, embrace your imperfections, don't try to change them. They are a part of you, they make you who you are! So whenever you get down about your insecurities and impefections, blow a kiss at yourself in the mirror and say "Everything I'm not makes me everything I am."

Another Birthday

My birthday is fast approaching and I can't believe that I am turning 26. It feels like just yesterday I was preparing for the sweet 16 party themed "Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice." But that was nearly a decade ago. It's scary how quickly time flies. But as I look over my life and reflect on past experiences, I still feel like the same person I was when I was 16. I still worry about the same types of situations, I still have almost all the same friends, I still carry the weight of the same insecurities, I still have trouble expressing how I feel, I still associate with almost all the same guys who have grown up to be all the same men, my favorite color is still fushia, my favorite thing to eat is still fried catfish and jambalaya, I still lose weight when I get stressed out, I still experience anxiety in my stomach, I still have blackouts and daydream so hard that I can't hear anything that's going on around me, I still live in the same house and sleep in the same room....But how can I still be the same person? Haven't I learned from life's experiences? Am I not growing and changing. I've done alot in the past 10 years, so why do I still feel stuck in the same spot? I'm still waiting for that experience that bridges the gap between childhood and adulthood. It feels like the years are flying by and the world around me is moving so quickly. I really just want to move at the same rapid pace. But I understand that patience is a virtue. So I'm patienlty waiting for my life to come together. But it seems like as I continue to make steps in the right direction, the goal of success slips farther away. The goal constanly changes and evolves and the closer I get to it, the more I revise it and add more steps to take to get to it. And as a result, another year has gone by and I still can't believe I'm not 16 anymore.